Procrastination

This post is probably more for me than anybody else, so bear with me. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I guess I need somewhere to spew my thoughts.

At this point in my life, most of my unhappiness comes from my own procrastination. In the past there were things I wanted - a husband, a baby, a cat, a college degree, a house, a nicer car, a daughter...even a dog. I have all those things. Really, there is nothing that I want that I don't have. I mean, of course I'd like new clothes or something, and we are ready for a bigger house, but I don't feel like "My life will be so much better once I get _____" like I used to. That's an amazing thing! I am so incredibly blessed to have my life turning out exactly as I always wanted!

So why am I not giddy with joy? Why do I spend so much time feeling bad? Most of it is guilt & stress, and most of that is over things I am procrastinating.

I have never been a good housekeeper. I spend a whole lot of my time feeling bad that I'm not cleaning the house. Hello, just clean it, Rachel! Sitting around feeling bad that you aren't cleaning it is so much worse than just doing it! But there's always something. When Katy is awake, I wait for her to go to sleep. When she's asleep I think "I'm going to relax for a few minutes, then get started." Then after a little while I think "Shoot, I waited too long, I have to be quiet, so I have to just wait for her to wake up." or "Shoot, I waited too long, now it's my bedtime." And things don't get done! The boys are pretty good about clearing their dishes and putting their clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, but that's about all they can do. So I am in charge of dishes and laundry and picking up after myself, three children, a dog, and, let's face it, a husband. I feel so overwhelmed by that task that I just sit there feeling overwhelmed. I want so badly to have a beautiful, perfectly clean house. And it kills me that I am the one keeping myself from having it!

And it's not just cleaning. There are so many things. I wish I blogged more often. I wish I had the digital pictures better organized (and print them out & put them in books). I meant to have an Usborne books party for Katy's birthday, and still would like to have one. I usually have a couple loads of laundry sitting around, and I wish I would get to those sooner. I wish I was better about watering my plants (maybe my cucumbers wouldn't have died!). I want to organize the garage better. Heck, we have a storage unit full of stuff that we could probably get rid of! I wish I could be better about keeping track of our finances (I used to be!). I wish I read more adult books. I wish I finished one of the many, many craft projects I've started.

I could go on and on. One of the biggest downsides to being a Stay-at-Home-Mom is that I have nobody patting me on the back, telling me I'm doing a good job. Not that all jobs are rewarding experiences, but you know what I mean. I used to be a straight A student, involved in every possible extra-curricular. I now am a homemaker, and a pretty lousy one at that. And feeling like I suck at it just makes me not want to do it, and I fall further and further behind. It's a terrible downward spiral. And I don't know how to break it!

It's both empowering & depressing that I am responsible for my own happiness. I know I would feel better if I just stopped procrastinating all the things I need to do! I have done a good job for various stretches of time, and when I do I feel like everything is great in the world! So I know I can do it! It's all up to me! And that thought is immediately followed by "Then why the heck don't you? What is wrong with you? You have everything you could possibly want, and yet you fail." Then I feel bad, and certainly don't feel up to doing anything.

Okay, that's enough of that. Sorry to spread the gloom. I have a much happier post to share next...